Aw, poor baby…

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Charlotte illustrating how I’m feeling

I’m going to be whiny here for a bit, just for one post. It’s not my usual M.O. – to be whiny. I’m really not that type of person. But I’m just feeling in a mood, a funk, a little bit of an annoyance with all that is my world right about now (with the exception of Charlotte, who I am over the moon about, even in my whiny state). I’m not in a bad mood, or unhappy, or even sad — don’t get me wrong. Regardless, there will be whining coming up so prepare yourself. It’s about deployments and my life and my life with deployments. If you aren’t in the mood to read a whiny post from me, move on now.  🙂

Here’s the thing. I am over deployment at this point. Here’s the other thing. I can do deployments. I always have been able to. I always can. I don’t enjoy them. I haven’t ever enjoyed them, but I can DO them. And I am and have been doing this one too. It’s been different with a kid, but I’ve been plugging along, right as rain. But, and here’s the whiny kicker part: I don’t want to!! [Insert whiney noise here.]

About three months into the deployment,  I sent my husband an email just for kicks and giggles, so he could kind of see what our day has been like on the regular. I’ve tweaked it here a bit to reflect new developments in our lives (solid foods, daily walks and reading a book before bedtime).

4:45am – Wake up and take a shower
5:00 – 5:45am – Breastfeed Charlotte
5:45 – 6:15am – Finish getting ready for work
6:15 -6:20am – Change Charlotte’s Diaper
6:20 – 6:25am – Get her in her carseat
6:25 – 6:30am – Get the bottles out of the fridge, load up my work bag and her daycare bag, and take those plus the her in the carseat down to the car
6:35am – hopefully heading down the alley to daycare
6:50am – Arrive at daycare
6:50 – 7:05am – Get Charlotte settled into daycare.  Depending on my morning meeting schedule, we play for a few minutes – longer if I don’t have to be in for a meeting.
7:25am – Arrive at work
8:30am – 8:50am – Pump for bottles for the next day
11:30 – 11:50am – Pump for bottles for the next day
2:40 – 3:00pm – Pump for bottles for the next day
4:00 – leave work to get Charlotte (this is rushing out at the end of the day)
4:20ish – Arrive at daycare, get the kiddo and all her gear from the day
4:45ish – Arrive at home
4:45 – 5:00pm get Charlotte upstairs, throw bottles in cooler in fridge, change her diaper, play for a bit
5:00 – 5:30 – Take an evening walk, either in the carrier or in the stroller
5:30 – 6:00 – Get Charlotte’s solid food dinner ready
6:00 – 6:10pm Clean up Charlotte’s dinner and get bath stuff ready
6:10 – 6:30pm – Charlotte bath, diaper and into PJs
6:30 – 6:55pm – Breastfeed Charlotte, typically to sleep (fingers crossed!)
7:00 pm – Put Charlotte down into crib
7:15 – 7:20pm – put some chicken and veggies into tinfoil and into oven
7:20 – 7:30pm – Put away all bath stuff and clean up Charlotte’s dinner stuff
7:30 – 7:45pm – Prepare and label bottles for tomorrow
7:45 – 8:00pm – Prepare and freeze remaining milk in 4.5 oz bags
8:00 – 8:15pm – Wash all bottles and pump accessories from the day
8:15 – 8:20pm – Get pump accessories and empty bottles ready for tomorrow
8:20 – 8:30pm – Get my clothes and bag ready for the morning
8:30pm – Take food out of oven
8:30 – 8:40pm – Sometimes take out trash, sometimes run or empty dishwasher, sometimes take some frozen cookie dough (lactation cookies) out of freezer, sometimes do a load of laundry
8:40 – 9:00pm – eat
9:00 – 9:45pm – Breastfeed (a lovely time called “twilight feeding”) Charlotte again and change her diaper before going back to bed
9:45  – Sometimes go to bed, sometimes take a bath, sometimes watch a TV show from bed.

*Somewhere between 2am and 3am – feed Charlotte once more or go in and soothe her if she’s just fussy but not hungry

**This changes a bit on M/W when we have swim lessons from 4:30-5…then I leave work a bit early, we get there by 4:10 and I change then I change her and all the rest sort of takes a 45 minute shift backwards, she doesn’t get a bath (she’s been in chlorine, she’s clean!) and I typically don’t get a real meal…more like a flatbread or naan if I’m lucky — if not, some bread and cheese and yogurt! ;

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It’s THIS face that makes all of it worth it, on a daily basis!

I know other people have it even harder.  Other women have more than one child. Other women are truly single parents all the time, not just for 8 months. And, yes, there are those of you out there who will say “well, you knew what you were getting when…” a) you married a sailor or b) you had a child or c) both. And yes, yes I did.  I knew full well what I was getting in both instances. And, no matter how hard life has been or how many insane curveballs life has thrown my way (and there have been some doozies, let me tell ya!), I have accepted this life as the life I want to be living.  I would not change a thing.  Not. One. Single. Thing.

But…

That does NOT mean this isn’t really hard and that I have to enjoy every stinking minute of it and not feel exhausted and just “over it”.  I didn’t sign up to not have feelings about my experience. And so, I’m having feelings. This is me having feelings. And it’s my blog dammit, so I’m expressing those feelings. Venting if you will. Whining, if you must!

I’m just tired. I’m tired of not having my best friend, my husband around to laugh with about how effing insane life is, but how truly, inexplicably rewarding it also is. I’m tired of having to feel like an octopus out of water — my eight arms in constant motion but feeling like I cannot catch a breath. I’m just tired. And no, I wouldn’t change anything (I mean, other than having my husband home, that I’d change in an instant!) and I’m not complaining, because complaining means I’m unhappy about my lot in life.  I’m not unhappy.

Just tired.

And whiny.

And sick to death of eating chicken!

2 thoughts on “Aw, poor baby…

  1. Jenny says:

    Having only been through the baby part of this and not the deployment part I think you earned the right to be as whiny as you damn well please! You are an amazing momma and are achieving more each day than you’ll ever know.

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